Messages from Moms: Adrienne Graves {part 3}

Hope you all had a wonderful weekend!

Today we continue  our conversation with my friend, Adrienne Graves. I admire Adrienne’s candor, and I believe it is truly a gift that God has given her…through her ability to share honestly, the rest of us can learn so much {and perhaps learn to be a little more honest about our own feelings as well.} I asked Adrienne to describe her fury with God as she watched Noah struggling to live… 

  I remember sitting out in the hallway one night at the hospital and the tears were just flowing uncontrollably.  I remember being so angry because my faith and our reality were not lining up…No one knew anything, Noah was progressively getting worse, and I remember reading a comment or hearing someone say, “Oh, God will never give you more than you can handle.”  

And that’s when I snapped.  

Literally, “F-bombs” were going off in my head left and right and in that moment, there was nothing I could do to hide them from the God of the Universe who knows everything.  I said, “God, this f-ing sucks!  No one knows anything!  Noah is dying!  This is way more than I can handle!  Do You have any idea what it’s like to lose a son?!”  

At that point I had been Christian for 20 years, but it was the first time I had ever felt such profound peace.  God said, “Actually I do…”  And, with the peace came a realization that THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A SECRET.  I couldn’t candy coat my feeling of disappointment with God and how this whole thing was unfolding, so I didn’t try.  I told Him in no uncertain terms that I was totally disenchanted with how He was running the Universe, specifically my world, at that moment in time.  In doing so, it wasn’t news to God.  He knew my wish list had a fairy tale ending, but He gave my heart a peace that He was still good, in spite of our circumstances, He saw a bigger picture, one more beautiful than I could comprehend, and even though we were walking our darkest nightmare, He was still good and very much in love with us, and with Noah.  

Being able to be real with God, allowing authenticity and candidness come into our conversation, if you will, was nothing different from one of the Psalmists of old.  The Psalms are cries of the heart.  Secrets revealed in words and recorded for us years later so that we could see what a real relationship with God could look like, not one candy coated with perfect behavior and religious rhetoric.  Jesus could not handle the cross.  (What, you don’t believe me?  Then why did He go back and pray the same prayer 3 times, asking God to “take this cup… Nevertheless, not my will but Yours be done.”)  

God does give us more than we can handle.  That’s called life on earth…a life we weren’t meant to “handle” on our own but with total surrender and trust in a good God that loves us and truly does have beauty in mind for all His creation.  

Tomorrow: We finish our conversation with Adrienne as she discusses how the local church helped her family cope with their life in the hospital and their grief after Noah’s death.

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