It’s the fear that lurks in the minds and hearts of almost every parent of a child with special needs…

“I want my child to get the right support, but I don’t think the school /church/doctor understands what to do. I’ve tried to communicate about it, but I’m not having much success. I disagree with how things are going, and I know I need to say something, but…I don’t want to be THAT mother.”

I hear this phrase uttered on an almost-weekly basis. Parents of children with special needs harbor so many layers of anxiety…worries about finding and securing the right treatments, helping the child make progress, hoping the student will make a friend, praying for inclusion and acceptance. In the process of dealing with all of these worries, and trying to find solutions, parents also fear being labeled as the “THAT” parent…

…the one who is never happy.
                The one that teachers talk about in the staff lounge.
                            The one who is paid lip service…
                                       {and avoided at all costs.}

No one wants to be THAT mother, of course. Instead, parents tell me, they want to be positive, capable, and helpful…but they don’t want to be “pushovers” either. I choose to call this style the Collaborative Mother. (We’re using “mother” for simplicity’s sake, but please don’t feel excluded, dads…this is for you, too!)

So, how do we avoid becoming THAT Mother? We can start by examining our style of communication, and defining what we don’t want to do, and what we hope to accomplish. To do this, let’s compare THAT Mother to the Collaborative Mother:

THAT Mother thinks she always knows better than the school/church; The Collaborative Mother tells the school/church what works at home with her child and considers the input of others.

THAT Mother requires that the school/church change the entire program structure to fit her child’s unique needs (and expresses frustration at any resistance); the Collaborative Mother discusses ways that her child’s needs can be met in the least restrictive environment.

THAT Mother makes demands; the Collaborative Mother makes requests positively and assertively.

THAT Mother has an attitude of entitlement; the Collaborative Mother has an attitude of humility and gratitude.

THAT Mother explodes when mistakes are made; the Collaborative Mother extends grace, and offers to be part of fixing the problem.

THAT Mother assumes that the school/church knows nothing, and is condescending; the Collaborative Mother says, “You may already know this…” or “How can I help you to understand my child better?”

THAT Mother gossips about teachers and volunteers; The Collaborative Mother addresses concerns directly, honestly and kindly. She follows the “chain of command” when seeking to resolve disputes.

THAT Mother says, “You people are going to get this right.” The Collaborative Mother says, “I don’t want to be “THAT Mother.”

THAT Mother doesn’t think she’s “THAT Mother.” The Collaborative mother knows that once in a while, she will be THAT Mother,  because she’s human, and because she makes mistakes, and because her emotions sometimes run high when it comes to her child…

THAT Mother is “never wrong.” Ever. The Collaborative Mother is humble, and willing to say, “I’m sorry.”

THAT Mother loves her child, and she is hurting. The Collaborative Mother loves her child, and she is hurting…but she doesn’t want to hurt others in the process.

THAT Mother is a Child of God. THe Collaborative Mother is a Child of God…and she knows that the teachers and volunteers are, too.

Collaborating with you…
~Katie